Fatibony's Blog

There is often talk in the world of psychotherapy  about the terms blame and shame; and though, you may think you know what these mean, chances are if you conduct yourself in relation to these areas of conduct, you don’t. Or more significantly, you don’t understand them in the context that you need to, in order to make  life more effective, positive, and just be happy. Let’s discuss these topics closer to elucidate this point.

Blame

If you were to consider this topic , how would you define it ? The most basic interpretation of blame is the transferral of a wrongdoing’s cause to a person or event. It is the mistake of many to both use blame incorrectly towards themselves as well as towards others. The first, self-blame, occurs when we beat ourselves for something going wrong-whether it be at work, with a friend, or in life in general-we  sometimes blame ourselves. While in some cases, we may be justified, and  not be  responsible for our share of the blame. Many people who tend toward self-blame use it in an all or nothing manner-blaming themselves for everything-for a person’s bad actions against them, for an employer’s dismissal of them, etc. While every person has some power over what happens in their life, they cannot always take the role of the to-be-blamed; as this not only, sets them up for more and more incident of failure and self-loathing, but also, is counterproductive to a happy and fruitful life of wins and losses.

On the other hand, there are many of us who choose to take no responsibility for the negative actions which may befall us, our friends, and our personal networks. Instead, we blame everyone else but us-such as is the case in someone who keeps getting fired from job, and doesn’t want to admit that the common denominator is them, and should, therefore be given their share of the blame in their own predicament. This said, a person who doesn’t want to admit blame for negative events, can actually make a positive thing of accepting responsibility. By accepting some blame , this person can then take the power in changing their series of unfortunate events.

Shame

Closely tied to the topic of blaming oneself or others for unfortunate events is the topic of shame. For the person who finds themselves in a state of constant self-loathing and self-blame, they often also feel shame in the fact that they are responsible for so much negative action. Of course, in most cases, a person is not entirely responsible for or above blame; but often a person who feels wholly responsible, also has a very low self esteem and is subject to undue shame. On the other hand is the individual who considers themselves not responsible, but actually knows deep down that they are responsible for at least some part of the problem; and it is this shame-deep, deep shame-that keeps them from allowing themselves to recognize this.